my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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