Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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