Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
