Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
