i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you didnt know i had herpes?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
