dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
