my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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