it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
