just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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