are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
