So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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