yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
