Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
