franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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