he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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