it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
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my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
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I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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