He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
