Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
