Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
