I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
