i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
