This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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