I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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