You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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