omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
