I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You may now shotgun with the bride
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
