Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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