I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
