I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
All I want is dick and wine.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
