then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
