all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
