I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
