how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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