I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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