Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
