My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
