I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm having to shit out rocks
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