just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
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Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
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I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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