Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
