he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
