i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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