Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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