They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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