Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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