Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
