yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
