I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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