I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
