She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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