She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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