im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
