this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
