I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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