I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
