Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
