She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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