She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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