yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
